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Keep Your Eye On The Ball 



PS 635 
.Z9 N57 



HARRY L. NEWTON'S 



'ne-Act Comedy Sketches, 

Monologues and 

Dramatic Episodes 



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1M3 




A Rose of Mexico A Drama 

A Pair Of Pants Talking Act 

A Jack And His Queen A Comedietta 

An Invitation To The Ball Comedy Sketch 

Chatter Monologue for Males 

Down In Paradise Alley Comedy Sketch 

Family Secrets Monologue 

Izzy's Vacation A Summer Episode 

Keep Your Eye On The Ball 

Comedy Sketch 

Meet My Wife A Comedy Drama 

The Spirit of Captain Kidd Comedy 

Two Girls And Him Comedy Sketch 

What Every Woman Thinks She Knows 
Suffragette Monologue 



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M. WITMARK & SONS, 
Witmark Building 144-146 West 37th Street, New York 



KEEP YOUR EYE ON 
THE BALL 

A Comedy Sketch 



By 
HARRY L. NEWTON 



Copyright 1913 by M. WITMARK & SONS 
International Copyright Secured 



M. WITMARK & SONS 

Publishers 
Witmark Building, 144-146 W. 37th Street, New York 

CHICAGO SAN FRANCISCO LONDON PARIS 

Professional Performing rights reserved 



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Note. — The acting rights of this Sketch are ex- 
pressly reserved by the Publishers, to whom 
any one wishing to produce it should apply. 
Amateur representation may be made with- 
out such application and without charge. 



/ 
©C!.D 34014 



CHARACTERS. 

Michael O'Dubb An Irish Butler 

Mrs. Dillpickle An Inquisitive Woman 

SYNOPSIS. 

Madame Blavatsky, Fortune Teller, has left 
town for Atlantic City, leaving her house in charge 
of Butler Michael O'Dubb. O'Dubb has grown 
tired of saying "Not at home" to Madame's clients, 
and bewailing the loss of so much good money in 
consequence, hits upon a scheme to get some of it. 

He disguises himself as Madame Blavatsky with 
articles selected from the parlor furnishings and 
when the transformation is complete, Mrs. Dill- 
pickle calls to have her fortune told. 

A very funny scene follows, ending with a capital 
climax. 



DIAGRAM OF STAGE,. 

D.R.C. CO. t>.l-.C 



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AUDIENCE,. 

L. I. E. — Left first entrance. 
R. i. E. — Right first entrance. 
L. U. E. — Left upper entrance. 
C. — Centre of stage. 
R. C. — Right centre of stage. 
I*. C. — Left centre of stage. 

C. D. — Centre dooi. 

D. R. C. —Door right centre. 
D. L. C— Door left centre. 



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Keep Your Eye on the Ball 



Scene. — Parlor in the home of Madame Bla- 
vatsky, Fortune Teller. Two small tables. On one 
is a table-cloth to be used for a skirt, and a marble 
bust with a woman's wig on it. On other table is 
a lamp with red shade to be used for a corset ; 
large silver ball or globe ; fruit basket (to be used 
for woman's hat), containing artificial fruit; lace 
curtain at center door to be used as woman's waist. 
Door C. 

(At rise, Michael is discovered dusting furniture. 
There are several knocks on door and hands with 
money in them are thrust through door at Michael, 
but are withdrawn each time, as per the following :) 

Michael — (Going to Center door at knock.) — 
Who's it? Who's it? 

Voice — Is Madam Blavatsky in? 

Mich. — No. There's no one in but the French 
butler. 

Voice — The fresh butler, did you say? 

Mich. — No, I said French (Spells) F-r-e-u-n- 
c-h-u-x — French. 

Voice (Laughs) — Irish, you mean. Why, you're 
so Irish that I can smell cabbage way out here. 

Mich. (Angry biz) — I wonder who told her I 
was Irish. 



KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL 



Voice — Well, I'm sorry your mistress isn't at 
home. I wanted to have my fortune told. Here's 
twenty dollars. Tell her I'll come back to-morrow. 
(Hand is thrust in door containing a bill, Michael 
makes a grab for it, then hand is withdrawn.) 
Never mind. I'll see her to-morrow. Good-bye. 

Mich. — Yes, and goodbye twenty. That's about 
four thousand dollars I've said a fond farewell to 
this morning. B'gorry, I'd like to say how-de-do 
to some .of that money instead of good-bye. 
Madam Blavatsky tells fortunes and she's now in 
Atlantic City on her vacation. If I could only 
(scratches head) get me hands on that money that's 
floating around here. Hold on. I've got an idea. 
Madam Blavatsky is going to be here from now on. 
I shall be Madam Blavatsky. But how? Every 
stitch of her clothes she has with her at Atlantic 
City. Ha, ha ! the very thing. This will help some. 
(Pulls off tablecloth) This will make a splendid 
foundation. (Puts it on as skirt.) It's a good thing 
I'm a close student of women's latest styles. I read 
the Ladies' Homely Journal every month. (Looks 
at skirt.) B'gorry, that ain't so bad. (Looks about.) 
Now for the next article — whatever they put on 
next. (Takes off lamp-shade) That looks like 
something they wear. Oh, yes, course it does. 
(Puts it on as corset.) Course it does. That's a 
joke and I didn't know it. (Pulls it tight.) Oh-oh ! 
how can they breathe. I'll choke to death sure. 
This is the last time HI ever buy a ready-made cor- 
set. (Looks in mirror) Women were made before 



1 

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL 



mirrors, and they've been before them ever since. 
Now then, for the top part of me. (Looks at lace 
curtain on centei door.) A bargain in waists to- 
day. They come high but we must have them. 
(Reaches up and takes it down, then holds it up.) 
A real peek-a-boo waist. No use going to a bargain 
sale. Every parlor is a bargain counter. (Puts 
curtain on shoulders and body as a waist.) There! 
I'm all right now, except for me sky piece. (Looks 
at bust and wig) And that's a cinch. The Madam's 
extra wig that I washed for her yesterday, and 
there it is a-waiting for me. (Puts wig on head, 
then goes to mirror and looks at himself.) I'm a 
nice lady, only for me face. I'll have to fix me 
face. (Goes to table, dumps fruit from basket, 
then puts basket on head for hat.) I wonder if 
my hat's on straight. I'm thinking it needs a bit 
of trimming. Oh, I can fix that. (Takes hat to 
table and pins artificial fruit on it.) I think I'm 
shy a hat pin. No, I got one. (Raises skirt and 
dives hand in pants pocket and pulls out a long 
corkscrew or button-hook, and then pins hat on with 
it; then looks in mirror.) Oh-o-o, that face! No- 
body will hand me money with a face like that. 
(Takes tidy from back of chair and puts it on for 
a veil.) Now then, Madam Blavatsky is ready for 
the suckers. I hope fishing is good. I need the 
money. 

(Knock on door outside. He goes to center door.) 

Who's it? Who's it? 



KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL 



Mrs Dill. (Outside) — Is Madam Blavatsky at 
home? 

Mich. — Yes, bring your money right in. 

Mrs. D. (Enter) — Sir — oh, I beg your pardon, 
I thought it was a man speaking. 

Mich. — No, I used to be a man, but I'm a wo- 
man now. 

Mrs. D— What's that? 

Mich. — I mean the man who was here now is 
here now, but he's not gone now. He's here and 
he's not here. 

Mrs D. — Very mysterious, I'm sure. 

Mich. — Yes, ma'am; twice in the same place. 

Mrs. D. — Are you Madam Blavatsky? 

Mich. — No, ma'am, I'm the French butler, Mich- 
ael O'Dubb — no, no, I mean Madam Blavatsky and 
not that French butler dub. 

Mrs. D. — Well, I am Mrs. Dillpickle, and I am 
desirious of knowing something of my future. 

Mich. — Oh, I can see your finish all right. How 
much money have you got? 

Mrs. D. — How much do you require ? 

Mich. — I'm not particular. I just hold out my 
hand and allow you to put money in it till I say 
"enough." 

Mrs. D.— Is that all? 

Mich. — Yes, I'm very mysterious, Mrs. Pickle. 

Mrs. D. — Mrs. Dillpickle if you please. ' 

Mich. — All right Mrs. Dillpickle if you please. 
(Holds out right hand.) Commence. 

Mrs. D. — (Takes out big rrtl of bills from hand- 



KEEP YOUR EYE OX THE BALL 



bug) I see you are ready. {Looks at his hand) 
You have a very large hand, Madam. 

Mich. {Looks at money in her hand) — Yes, I 
need it in my business. 
{Aside) I ought to have a basket for that bunch. 

Mrs. D. {Puts a bill in his hand, then stops and 
tries to look in his face but he keeps it averted.) 
Ahem! {Aside) She doesn't understand that lang- 
uage. {Puts three more bills in his hand, each time 
stopping and trying to see his face. She puts the 
fourth bill in his hand, then:) You know, Madam, 
you only have to say one little word. 

Mich. — Sure, I know. {Aside) I can't think of 
that word to save my life. 

Mrs. D. {Sighs) — I don't wish to tire you, 
madam. 

Mich. — Oh, I'm as strong as a bull. Go on. 

Mrs. D. {Puts four more bills in his hand, with 
biz as before) — You know I started some time ago, 
madam. 

Mich. — You can go as far as you like, but don't 
call for a transfer. 

Mrs. D. — I'm very sorry I ever got on your old 
car. 

Mich. — You're the best passenger I ever car- 
ried. Will somebody please get up and give this 
lady a seat? 

Mrs. D. {Puts all the remaining bills in his hand, 
each time stopping to see if he will speak, then) — 
There. That's all. 



10 

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL 



Mich. (Looking at her empty hand, then at bills 
in his hand) — Is that as far as you go? 

Mrs. D. — Yes. I'm all in. 

Mich. — Then get out. 

Mrs. D. — But I came to have my fortune told. 
Besides, I never expected to give you all my money. 
You said to give you money until you said 
"enough." 

Mich. — B'gorry, there's that word now. I'm 
glad you said it. I couldn't speak it for the life 
of me. 

Mrs. D. — Are you going to tell my fortune? 

Mich. — Sure. Why do you want me to tell it 
when I see it? (Raises skirt and puts money in his 
pants' pocket.) 

Mrs. D. (Shrieks) — Goodness gracious ! (Points 
at his trousers.) 

Mich. (Biz of letting down skirt, etc.) — What's 
the trouble? 

Mrs. D. — Why — why — you have on — on — 
men's — 

Mich. — I know it — don't say it — I know what 
you mean. 

Mrs. D. — How very peculiar! 

Mich. — Yes, but it would be very much peculiar- 
er if I didn't have them on. Now if you want me 
to tell your fortune, come here and sit down. 

Mrs. D. (Sits) — I'm just crazy to know it. 

Mich. (Aside) — You'll be crazier before you get 
through with me. (To her) Now please put your 
right foot in me right hand. (Holds it up high.) 



11 

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL 



Mrs. D.— Eh? 

A^ch. — No, no ; I mean your hand. (She holds 
out her right hand and he takes it.) Now keep 
one eye on that silver ball. 

Mrs. D. — Yes ; one eye on the silver ball. 

Mich. — And one eye on me, and — 

Mrs. D. — Yes, yes — 

Mich. — And the other eye foreninst ye. 

Mrs. D. — You must think I'm a potato. 

Mich. (Stroking her hand) — What a lovely 
hand ye have ! I think I could learn to love ye. 

Mrs. D. (Indignantly) — What! You? 

Mich — No, no ; I forgot I was a woman — 

Mrs. D. (Jumping up) — What's that? 

Mich. — I mean I don't love you ; I hate you. Sit 
down and behave. (She sits and he takes her hand.) 
In the first place, how old are you? 

Mrs. D. — You are a fortune-teller ; you should 
know. But since you ask, I will tell you. I am 
just twenty-three. 

Mich. — No no ; you didn't understand me. I 
mean your age ; not the size of your foot. 

Mrs. D. — I've been on this earth twenty-three 
years. Read my palm if you doubt it. 

Mich. (Looking at her palm) — B'gorry you're 
right. Twenty-three for you ! (Examining palm.) 
Once you had money — 

Mrs. D. — Yes, I had money when I came here. 

Mich. — That's the same money ; it hasn't changed 
a bit. 

Mrs. D. — Do you think I shall ever have it again? 



12 

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL 



Mich. (Examining palm) — Not unless you use 
chloroform on me. Here's a funny line. Looks 
like (local) omnibus line. 

Mrs. D. — Which means, I suppose, I am going 
somewhere. 

Mich. — Not if you go by that line you ain't. 
Here's a line — very faint one — looks like water. 

Mrs. D. — I must be going, then. I haven't been 
near any water for the past three months. 

Mich. (Biz) — Shame on you ! (Examining palm 
again.) Why — why didn't you tell me before? 
You've got a husband. 

Mrs. D. — Certainly, I am married. But — but 
tell me. Does my husband love me? 

Mich. — I don't know. He hasn't been home 
since morning, and it's three o'clock now. 

Mrs. D. — I believe you are a fake. 

Mich. — Keep your eye on the ball, ma'am, and 
don't be angry. If you get angry that ball will 
explode and then I can't be responsible for what 
happens. I've seen that ball do wonderful things. 
When anybody gets real angry that ball gets smoky 
like, and it always brings on a thunder storm. 

Mrs. D. — I shall be careful. Go on and read my 
palm. About my husband : Is he going to bring 
me anything to-night when he comes home? 

Mich. — Yes; I can see him bringing home a big 
package. 

Mrs. D. — A big package? 

Mich. — Yes, it's so big it makes him stagger to 
carry it. 



13 

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL 



Mrs. D — Isn't that nice ! 

Mich. — Yes, it's a fine package he has. 

Mrs. D. — Where did he get it? 

Mich. — I don't know. He wasn't with me. 

Mrs. D. — Can't you tell me in what place he got 
it? 

Mich. — Well, he never got that package in any 
one place, unless he got it where they sold it by 
the barrel. Keep your eye on the ball, ma'am. 

Mrs. D. — I don't believe you know much about 
palmistry. 

Mich. — Then I'll try the bumps on your head. 

Mrs. D. — What bumps ? 

Mich. — Well, who do you suspect? 

Mrs. D. — Suspect? I don't understand. Oh, I 
know now. You are a phrenologist. 

Mich. — You're another. I'm a Democrat, and 
so was my father before me. 

Mrs. D. — A phrenologist is one who tells by the 
bumps on a head what the person is. 

Mich. — Well, that's what I said. I've raised 
more bumps on heads than any man in this ward, 
and I could tell as soon as I made them they was 
going to be good Democrats. 

Mrs. D. — How very interesting ! What do you 
think of my head? 

Mich. (Feels it) — My, oh, my! You have had 
several bumps in your time, haven't you? 

Mrs. D. — How interesting! 

Mich. — Here's one the size of a walnut. That's 
a sign that you are a little nutty. 



14 

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL 



Mrs. D. — Madam, be careful. 

Mich. — Keep your eye on the ball, ma'am. I 
can only go by the bumps. This bump here means 
something. That bump means that you once had 
money, diamonds, yachts, automobiles — 

Mrs. D. — Why, I dreamed that same thing last 
night, and I fell out of bed, it was so exciting. 

Mich. — Then that bump came when you struck 
the floor. I knew I was right. I'm a great phre — 
phre — well, what you said I was. Keep your eye 
on the ball, ma'am. Hello, what's this? (Feels 
head.) 

Mrs. D. — Now I know you've made a great dis- 
covery. 

Mich. — -Your father was a German. 

Mrs. D. — Yes, he was. My father was a Ger- 
man. 

Mich. — Your mother was Irish. 

Mrs. D. — Yes, my mother was Irish. 

Mich. — Well, there's something wrong. You're 
neither German nor Irish. 

Mrs. D. — No ; I'm Scotch. 

Mich. (Biz) — You're Scotch? 

Mrs. D. — Yes, I am Scotch. 

Mich. — Father, German; mother, Irish, and 
you're Scotch. 

Mrs. D. — Yes, that's true. But you see my fa- 
ther and mother had a very romantic courtship and 
marriage. My father was a conductor on a trolley 
car, and every day mother used to ride with him, 
back and forth, back and forth. 



KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL 



Mich. — Back and forth — Yes, I see it all. 
Your father got his transfers mixed. B'gorry, look 
at the ball ! 

(Thunder sheet is worked, lights go out, stage 
is darkened, then sheet is lozvered; then bright light 
is thrown from behind, showing both shadows; she 
grabs his hat and pulls it, zvith wig, from his head, 
then throws up her hands in surprise. He panto- 
mimes an explanation, moving lips vigorously. She 
listens, then starts to talk, moving lips and thrust- 
ing out tongue and slapping her hands together. 
She pantomimes for her money, and at last he takes 
it out of his pocket and hands it to her. She takes 
money, puts it in her hand bag, and turns to leave ; 
as she turns he grabs money from purse. She runs 
and jumps over lamp on floor. He stands with 
money in hand, jumping up and down, then he also 
runs and jumps over lamp.) 

CURTAIN. 



AUG 5 1913 



COMEDY ACTS AND HUMOROUS MONO- 
LOGUES 

"FUNNY FOLKS I'VE MET." 

A Humorous Dialect Monolog or Lecture. 
By Frank Dumont. 

Relates a traveler's trip across the continent, describ- 
ing the various characters he came in contact with. 
This monologue is very amusing and can be made ef- 
fective if the different dialects are given. 

Splendid opportunity to introduce a novelty in facial 
make-ups and wearing apparel to picture the charac- 
ters and illustrate the mannerisms of each, although 
unnecessary to make the monologue a success. 

NOTE. — This lecture was published by general re- 
quest for such a work Price, 50 cents, postpaid. 

"THE CARD ON THE DOOR." 

A comedy in one act. For 2 Males and 6 Females. 
By Fitch C. Byrant. 

This is an uproariously laughable skit dealing with 
persons who jump at conclusions. 

A Mrs. Meredith, who is afflicted with this unfortu- 
nate habit, receives a caller, one morning and, even 
before she has seen her, becomes convinced that the 
caller wishes to see her about a church fair. The 
visitor's errand, however, is of a totally different char- 
acter. She has seen a card on the door of a neighbor's 
clothing establishment, and expresses the fear that the 
proprietor's wife, who has been ill, may have passed 
away. 

No sooner is this thought put into Mrs. Meredith's 
head than she concludes that such is the case, tele- 
phones instructions to her husband to investigate and 
report, and then, without waiting to learn the truth, 
tells every subsequent caller that the death has actually 
occurred. 

Finally, to the amazement and discomfiture of all 
present, but especially Mrs. Meredith, her husband 
arrives and reports that he found the lady whom she 
supposed to be dead as well and hearty as possible. 
His appearance is closely followed by that of the sup- 
posed corpse, who indignantly resents the receipt of 
a box of roses which, accompanied by her card, Mrs. 
Meredith has sent to the alleged house of mourning, 
and demands an explanation. Mrs. Meredith vainly 
attempts to fix the responsibility for the rumor upon 
her first caller, and finally wrests from her waggish 
husband the interesting information that the card on 
the store door merely bore the one simple word, 
"PUSH!" Price, 25 cents, postpaid 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

86 Witmark Bldg. New York 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

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